Need a dose of laughter? These nurse jokes are just what the doctor (or RN) ordered! From witty one-liners to cheeky nurse humor, we’ve rounded up the funniest punchlines in scrubs.
Whether you’re on night shift, in nursing school, or just love a good laugh with a stethoscope twist, this collection will have you cracking up faster than a code blue.
Get ready to laugh, relate, and maybe even chart it later — because these nurse jokes are pure comedy care!
Contents
Funny Nurse Jokes
Laughter really is the best medicine — and these funny nurse jokes prove it! From shift life to patient mishaps, this section delivers a full dose of wholesome laughs.
– I told my nurse I broke my arm in two places — she said, “Stop going to those places.”
– The nurse brought a red pen to work… just in case she needed to draw blood.
– I asked the nurse if my temperature was okay. She said, “You’re hot stuff!”
– What did the nurse say to the sleepy IV? “Get a drip of coffee!“
– That nurse always carries band-aids. She’s a healing machine.
– Nurses don’t get lost — they just take the vital signs.
– When a nurse becomes a detective, you know she’s good at taking notes.
– Nurses have the best sense of humor — they’ve got patients for days.
– Why did the nurse file a police report? Because someone stole her heart monitor.
– I asked a nurse for advice. She said, “I’m no therapist, but I have great bedside banter.”
– That nurse is so good, even her jokes are contagious.
– If nurses ran the world, things would be more organized and sanitized.
– Nurses make terrible criminals — they always leave prints and pressure points.
– My nurse wears Crocs and still manages to look heel-arious.
– The nurse turned down a date with the doctor. She said she needed space to chart.
– Nurses don’t argue — they just inject facts.
– When a nurse makes a pun, it’s thera-pew-tic.
– I saw a nurse dancing. Turns out she has a great sense of rhythm and blue gloves.
– Don’t mess with nurses — they know how to handle fluids under pressure.
– What’s a nurse’s favorite drink? A syringe of espresso.
– If a nurse goes rogue, watch out for undercover scrubs.
– That nurse is so cool, her EKG reads LOL.
– The nurse started a podcast called “Vitals & Giggles.”
– Why do nurses love Halloween? Because they’re into organ-izing parties.
– Nurses should be paid in gold. They already deal with platinum-level nonsense.
– When the nurse gave me my shot, I said, “Needle me gently.”
– I asked the nurse how long I had. She said, “Until visiting hours end.”
– Nurses don’t do drama — they do code blues and caffeine.
– A nurse’s favorite pick-up line? “I can check your heart rate from across the room.”
– Nurses walk faster than toddlers with scissors — and somehow look calm doing it.
– When a nurse laughs during a procedure, it’s scalp-hilarious.
– I made the nurse laugh. She almost dropped her clipboard of doom.
– Nurses know all your secrets — and your bowel schedule.
– I trust my nurse. After all, she’s the shot caller.
– A nurse’s playlist? Full of heartbeats and hustle.
– Nurses don’t lie — they just document creatively.
– You haven’t lived until you’ve made a nurse snort-laugh during vitals.
– The nurse winked at me after my flu shot. That’s what I call a poke of love.
– When nurses vent, it’s chart-therapy.
– What do you call a fashionable nurse? A steth-a-style icon.
– Even coffee bows to the power of a night shift nurse zombie.
– Nurses don’t sleep. They hibernate with one eye open.
– Nurse humor is the reason we laugh through the chaos.
– What’s a nurse’s favorite dessert? Jello and giggles.
– Nurses can find a vein in the dark with oven mitts on.
– That nurse has so many badges, she’s a medical ranger.
– My nurse cracked a joke mid-IV. I laughed so hard I wiggled the line.
– Why did the nurse join the circus? To juggle priorities.
– Nurses don’t cry. They code quietly in closets.
– When in doubt, ask a nurse. They’ve seen everything, twice.
Cute Nurse Jokes
These nurse jokes are as sweet as a smiley bandage! Perfect for lightening the mood or adding a little heart to your humor.
– The nurse said my teddy bear was feeling better — he just needed some stitch support.
– I told my nurse she was cute. She blushed and said, “That’s not in my chart!“
– Why did the baby nurse wear glitter? To keep things sparkle sterile.
– My school nurse gives hugs, lollipops, and mandatory hydration.
– That nurse brings joy and juice — she’s a real care bear.
– The nurse said I was her favorite patient — but she says that to everyone with stickers.
– I caught the nurse singing lullabies to her bandages. That’s some tender loving gauze.
– Why do nurses love babies? They’re just tiny bundles of vitals.
– My nurse calls her IV pole Mr. Wiggles.
– A nurse’s heart is so big, it can hold two clipboards and a cupcake.
– What did the nurse name her kitten? Medi-cat-ed!
– The nurse always wears fun socks — it’s her prescription for joy.
– That nurse makes every injection feel like a gentle nudge from Cupid.
– Nurses use Band-Aids like confetti with adhesive.
– I gave my nurse a flower. She gave me a lollipop and a flu shot.
– The only thing sweeter than a nurse’s smile is her apple-scented hand sanitizer.
– That pediatric nurse walks around with bubbles and a pocket full of rainbows.
– What did the nurse say to the child afraid of shots? “You’re braver than a dragon with a boo-boo!“
– My nurse painted her nails like syringes. Talk about a pointed fashion statement.
– The nurse said, “No crying — unless it’s happy tears from a sticker reward.”
– Every nurse should get paid in puppy cuddles and cupcakes.
– I saw a nurse give a child a toy stethoscope. She called it “training for tiny heroes.”
– Her scrubs have smiley faces, and she wears her empathy on her sleeve.
– The nurse wrote my name with hearts on my chart. Now that’s a love note with vitals.
– That nurse keeps extra bandages in her unicorn pencil pouch.
– Pediatric nurses have mastered the art of the magical distraction.
– What do you call a nurse who brings cupcakes on call? A snack practitioner.
– My nurse said my blood pressure was high. I said, “Because you’re adorable.”
– That nurse smells like vanilla lotion and comfort.
– The nurse has Disney pins all over her ID — that’s some serious magic medicine.
– Cute nurse logic: Ice pack + sticker = miracle recovery.
– She gave me a flu shot and a wink — what a charm-aceutical.
– Even her stethoscope cover has fluffy pandas on it.
– My nurse drew a heart on my bandage. Talk about a love patch.
– The nurse waved goodbye with a bubble wand — discharged with delight.
– I asked the nurse if she had magic powers. She said, “Only with Hello Kitty band-aids.”
– That nurse carries crayons next to her blood pressure cuff.
– Her clipboard is covered in glitter and hope.
– I asked the nurse what her secret was. She said, “Kindness and coffee.”
– That nurse’s playlist? Disney songs and heartbeat lullabies.
– She tied my shoelaces after the exam — nurture level: expert.
– What did the nurse say when I sneezed? “Bless you — and here’s a tissue with a sticker.“
– The nurse has a rainbow badge reel and a candy drawer.
– Even her thermometer is decorated with googly eyes.
– That nurse can make a boo-boo feel like a giggle.
– She gave me a high-five and a popsicle — nurse goals!
– Her pen writes in pink glitter ink — it’s prescribed cuteness.
– The nurse said, “Smiles are part of my treatment plan.”
– Her laugh is more healing than antibiotics.
– That nurse brings joy like it’s part of her rounds.
– Even her gloves have tiny hearts printed inside.
– Her hugs come with a “get well soon” and a sprinkle of magic.
Clever Nurse Jokes
If brains and wit had a baby in scrubs, it’d write these clever nurse jokes. Smart, punny, and a little too accurate!
– Nurses are never wrong — they just have better documentation.
– What do you call a nurse who solves puzzles during break? A diagnostician of downtime.
– Nurses don’t make mistakes; they revise patient histories.
– That nurse told a joke so smart, my heart rate spiked from admiration.
– If you hear laughter and quick typing, it’s a nurse writing chart notes with sass.
– Why did the nurse join Mensa? Because she’s a member of the “Vitals League.”
– Nurses: Turning chaos into care plans since forever.
– That nurse could calculate a BMI while doing a glove snap.
– Want to feel dumb? Try arguing with a nurse during a code blue.
– That nurse corrected my spelling — on my prescription.
– Why are nurses great at escape rooms? They already navigate hallways like ninjas.
– My nurse turned a thermometer into a teaching moment.
– Nurses don’t gossip. They just share HIPAA-compliant irony.
– I asked a nurse for a joke. She said, “I’m more into smart humor with chart flow.”
– Nurses don’t assume — they assess with flair.
– My nurse solved a Rubik’s cube with her non-dominant hand mid-suture.
– She checked my chart, solved Sudoku, and explained potassium — all before 8 a.m.
– What’s a nurse’s favorite pickup line? “I’m trained to read your pulse and personality.”
– The nurse gave me a riddle about heart rate zones. I call it a cardio-conundrum.
– A clever nurse always knows when you’re lying — your vitals snitch first.
– That nurse used sarcasm like a sterile scalpel.
– Her favorite TV show? “House M.D.” — but with better ethics.
– The nurse told me a joke about anatomy. It was humerus.
– Smart nurses don’t just memorize facts — they trend vitals like detectives.
– What do clever nurses eat for breakfast? Brain flakes with extra sass.
– I complimented my nurse on her knowledge. She said, “It’s just basic med-ucation.”
– That nurse invented a better IV system using a paperclip and sarcasm.
– What’s a nurse’s side hustle? Crossword competitions and triage planning.
– I asked a nurse what her superpower was. She said, “Critical thinking with style.”
– My nurse left a sticky note that read: “Caffeine stat, humor PRN.”
– Clever nurses know the difference between a joke and a health code violation.
– Her stethoscope was engraved with puns and pride.
– My nurse ran the numbers. Literally. She calculated my calories before breakfast.
– You can’t outwit a nurse — they’ve got clinical intuition and sass.
– Nurses know how to apply logic and lollipops simultaneously.
– Her idea of flirting? A joke about blood pressure and logic flowcharts.
– I heard the nurse say, “My sarcasm is evidence-based.”
– The nurse’s favorite pun? “I artery love smart humor.”
– Her playlist? Just TED Talks and vital signs alerts.
– I asked for a second opinion — she gave me two charted and color-coded ones.
– What did the clever nurse write on her mirror? “You’re chart-topping brilliance.”
– If knowledge were medicine, she’d overdose us with brilliance.
– Her nickname at work? “Brainy in Scrubs.”
– Clever nurses use humor like a saline flush — smooth and necessary.
– Her small talk includes puns and probability graphs.
– I tried to joke with the nurse. She responded with a hypothetical and 3 citations.
– If cleverness were contagious, every patient would leave with wit fever.
– That nurse can quote Shakespeare and chart meds without blinking.
– I said, “You’re too smart to be here.” She said, “And yet, I triage.”
– Clever nurses don’t do small talk — they calculate conversational dosage.
– Her jokes are clean, classy, and co-signed by intelligence.
Dirty Nurse Jokes
Ready for a slightly naughty shift? These dirty nurse jokes bring a little spice — still safe for smiles, but with a wink and a nudge.
– The nurse said she liked things sterile… except for her search history.
– I asked the nurse if she had a boyfriend. She said, “I’m already in a relationship—with caffeine.“
– That nurse isn’t just on call, she’s on fire.
– The doctor said, “Open wide.” I said, “Is that a diagnosis or an invitation?”
– My nurse gave me mouthwash. I asked, “Is this for kissing or just cavities?”
– That nurse checks pulses with one hand and breaks hearts with the other.
– I told the nurse I was feeling hot. She said, “Let’s check your temperature and your vibe.”
– Nurses know what to do with tongue depressors and tension.
– She said I needed fluids — and I asked, “Do tequila shots count?”
– That nurse tied the tourniquet too tight. I said, “Are you flirting or just kinky?”
– I told my nurse I was stiff. She said, “I’ve got a stretch for that.”
– The nurse whispered, “This might sting a little,” and I said, “So does heartbreak.”
– When the nurse said “Take off your shirt,” I hoped this was more than just diagnostics.
– I told the nurse my heart skips a beat around her. She said, “That’s called arrhythmia. I fix that.”
– The nurse winked as she checked my pulse — it skyrocketed.
– When the nurse pulled out a thermometer, I asked, “Which end is that going in again?”
– The nurse said, “You’re gonna feel a little prick.” I said, “Is it your ex?”
– I flirted with the nurse. She responded with a shot of sass and saline.
– That nurse doesn’t just draw blood — she draws attention.
– I asked for extra care. She said, “This isn’t that kind of clinic.”
– The nurse told me to relax my muscles. I said, “Buy me dinner first.”
– I told her she could give me a sponge bath anytime. She said, “This ain’t Grey’s Anatomy.”
– When the nurse said “bend over,” I started questioning my life choices.
– That nurse gave me chills — and not just from the cold stethoscope.
– I asked for a checkup and she gave me a once-over.
– When the nurse smiled at me, my blood pressure rose in all the wrong places.
– She said, “Let me take your vitals.” I said, “You already took my heart.”
– That nurse could make even a flu test feel seductively clinical.
– My nurse moaned… but it was just from lifting the IV bag rack.
– She asked me to hold still. I said, “Depends on what happens next.”
– That nurse said I needed a booster. I asked, “Is that a euphemism?”
– Her scrubs are tight — for efficiency, obviously.
– When she said “It’s time for your injection,” I said, “Be gentle — it’s my first.”
– The nurse brought a bedpan. I said, “I was hoping for champagne.”
– She whispered, “We’ll need to go deeper.” I said, “I wasn’t ready for commitment.”
– That nurse has me feeling lightheaded — and not just from the blood loss.
– I said, “Doc, my pants are tight.” He said, “Nurse, assist!”
– She said, “You’ll feel some pressure.” I said, “I always do around beautiful women.”
– My nurse giggled while swabbing. That’s foreplay with PPE.
– I asked what time my exam was. She said, “After hours.”
– She told me to say “ahh.” I said, “A little lower, please.”
– The nurse’s glove snapped — and so did my concentration.
– Her pulse was steady. Mine was in emergency flirt mode.
– She said I needed bed rest. I asked, “With or without company?”
– That nurse can multitask: check vitals, take notes, and break hearts.
– I said, “You’re my favorite nurse.” She replied, “And you’re my favorite complication.”
– The nurse said, “This is going to hurt a bit.” I said, “Not as much as falling for you.”
– She said, “You’ll be out in five minutes.” I said, “Just like all my relationships.”
– That nurse called for backup — because I was a hot mess.
Nurse Jokes Reddit
Straight from the ER to the front page, these nurse jokes have that Reddit-level realness — quirky, honest, and hilarious.
– Asked my nurse how she stays calm. She said, “I emotionally disassociate at 7:01 a.m.“
– Redditor nurse: “My spirit animal is a caffeine drip.”
– I saw a nurse meme that said, “Sleep is for patients.”
– When the nurse said “Code brown,” I didn’t expect a literal war zone.
– “Day shift thinks we nap? We barely have time to breathe between codes.” – r/nursing
– One Reddit nurse said, “I use sarcasm like a sterile barrier.”
– That feeling when your patient says, “You look tired.” Buddy, I died in 2017.
– Night shift nurses don’t run on coffee — they run on bitterness and IV alarms.
– Favorite quote from r/nursinghumor: “Don’t ask questions during a med pass. Just… don’t.”
– A nurse on Reddit said, “I’m not underpaid. I’m just charitably working for chaos.”
– Nurse logic: “If I can chart it sarcastically in my head, I’m coping.“
– Reddit nurse wisdom: “If they can complain, they can ambulate.“
– Patient: “This isn’t Burger King.” Nurse: “You’re right. No one gets what they want here.”
– What’s a nurse’s Reddit username? VitalsAndVibes99.
– One nurse joked, “My blood type is espresso positive.”
– Reddit: where nurses go to laugh and cry over the same shift stories.
– “Today I made three people cry… and only one was a patient.” – Nurse on Reddit
– “We don’t get PTSD. We get permanent sarcasm disorder.”
– Reddit nurse flex: I started CPR and IV access while arguing with pharmacy.
– One nurse said, “If I roll my eyes any harder, they’ll show up in the CT scan.”
– Redditors agree: Nurse humor is just trauma with punchlines.
– “New grad energy: enthusiasm. Seasoned nurse energy: memes and malice.“
– One nurse joked, “I communicate exclusively through eye contact and sighs.”
– A nurse once posted: “If the glove fits, you still probably contaminated it.”
– Nurse: “I didn’t cry today.” Reddit: “Champion.”
– I read a Reddit story where a nurse dodged a projectile vomit like a trained ninja.
– r/Nursing: Where we laugh at chaos because therapy is too expensive.
– Nurse on Reddit: “My badge should say ‘vitals collector and emotional dumpster.’”
– When nurses say “I’m fine,” Reddit knows it means “I’ve documented your nonsense.”
– Reddit nurses don’t get scared… unless the printer is jammed.
– One nurse shared: “You know it’s been a day when you cry into your glove box.”
– Best nurse Reddit hack: “Drink water, chart late, never admit weakness.”
– Reddit nurse motto: “Shift happens. Adjust your mask and carry on.”
– Patient: “Do you like your job?” Nurse: “I like surviving it.”
– “That moment when your patient calls you ‘doctor’… and you consider just going with it.“
– One nurse joked: “My stethoscope is for decoration at this point.”
– Redditor: “You haven’t lived until you’ve cleaned up three code browns before lunch.”
– “That moment you realize you’ve been holding your pee for 8 hours and 3 counties.”
– Reddit nurse said: “Every IV insertion is a relationship built on trust and duct tape.”
– I read a post: “If I hear ‘when’s the doctor coming?’ one more time, I’ll snap my penlight in half.”
– Nurse humor on Reddit is 80% trauma, 20% gallows giggles.
– “My back hurts, my feet scream, but hey… at least I got to eat one graham cracker.”
– Patient: “You look tired.” Reddit nurse: “I look like this because of you.”
– Reddit said: “Every nurse has a deadpan face for patient family questions.”
– Reddit nurses don’t have filters — just sterile gloves and biting wit.
– Most-liked post: “Nurses deserve Oscars for pretending it’s fine.”
– Nurse joke of the week: “I give 110%, unless I’m working overtime. Then it’s 37%.”
– “If sarcasm were chartable, I’d be fully reimbursed.”
Adult Nurse Jokes
These adult nurse jokes are a little bolder, a little sassier, and definitely more after-hours than during visiting hours. Still classy, still hilarious.
– The nurse said, “Take off your pants.” I said, “We just met, but okay.”
– I asked my nurse if this was going to hurt. She said, “Not as much as your dating history.”
– What’s a nurse’s safe word? “Vitals within range.”
– The nurse told me to cough. I said, “Only if you buy me dinner first.”
– That nurse is trained in wound care and emotional damage control.
– My blood pressure wasn’t the only thing that rose during my exam.
– Nurse: “You’ll feel a little pinch.” Me: “That’s my kink.”
– That nurse looked at me over her mask and said, “We need to talk about your fluids.”
– I flirted with the nurse. She said, “We’ll sedate that urge shortly.”
– Why are nurses so confident? They’ve seen everything… twice.
– I told my nurse I was feeling cold. She said, “Want me to warm you up or just give you a blanket?”
– The nurse walked in with gloves and said, “It’s about to get personal.”
– What did the nurse say to the flirty patient? “This isn’t that kind of hospital gown.”
– That nurse has seen more backsides than a wedding photographer.
– I said I felt dizzy. She said, “That’s what charm looks like in scrubs.”
– The nurse said, “You’ll be a little sore.” I said, “And a little flattered.”
– I asked the nurse if I could take her to dinner. She replied, “Only if you bring PPE.”
– That nurse doesn’t just take vitals — she takes complete control.
– I said, “Check my heartbeat.” She said, “That’s not what I’m worried about.”
– The nurse winked at me after giving meds. I call that a dose of affection.
– My nurse has jokes, tattoos, and a drawer full of secrets.
– She gave me a sponge bath and whispered, “I charge extra for attitude.”
– I told the nurse she smelled amazing. She said, “It’s just sterilized stress.”
– Nurse: “Lie back and relax.” Me: “Is this therapy or a Tinder date?”
– The nurse leaned close and said, “Don’t move unless I say so.”
– That nurse isn’t just certified — she’s certifiably seductive.
– I said I had trust issues. She handed me a hospital gown with no back.
– I complimented her scrubs. She said, “They’re not the only thing that’s soft today.”
– Nurse: “Any allergies?” Me: “Commitment. And latex.”
– When I said I was tense, she replied, “Not for long.”
– I asked the nurse for something long-lasting. She handed me an ice pack and a life lesson.
– She walked in with a clipboard and big Capricorn energy.
– That nurse wears Crocs like she owns the trauma bay.
– She asked me to sign a consent form. I asked, “For the exam or the flirtation?”
– That nurse made my heart skip a beat — literally. She reset my monitor.
– I said, “Is this going to be invasive?” She said, “Only if you resist.”
– That nurse knows how to wrap a bandage and unravel your ego.
– She told me to undress. I said, “This isn’t how I pictured our first date.”
– I joked about running away. She said, “Too bad I’ve got you hooked to fluids.”
– That nurse is fluent in sarcasm and emotional CPR.
– When I asked for a warm touch, she brought me a heated blanket and a reality check.
– Nurse: “Any discomfort?” Me: “Just from your beauty.”
– That nurse asked me to cough. I said, “Just call me Mr. Romance.”
– She said, “You’ll feel pressure.” I said, “That’s how I flirt too.”
– I complimented her IV skills. She said, “I’m good with my hands.”
– That nurse had me blushing more than my allergic rash.
– She took my pulse and said, “Looks like someone’s smitten.”
– I told the nurse she was unforgettable. She said, “You? I won’t even chart this.”
Funny Male Nurse Jokes
These funny male nurse jokes are proof that guys in scrubs know how to deliver more than just meds — they’ve got punchlines too!
– Why did the male nurse bring a ladder to work? Because he heard the patient was in critical condition upstairs.
– He’s not just a nurse — he’s a man-datory presence.
– When the male nurse enters the room, even the thermometers stand up straighter.
– I asked the male nurse for help — he lifted the bed, the patient, and my expectations.
– That male nurse is so efficient, he charts with one hand and breaks hearts with the other.
– He told me to take a deep breath — then flexed. That’s called muscle medicine.
– What do you call a male nurse who sings during vitals? A crooner with a stethoscope.
– He didn’t become a nurse for attention… but the compliments are a nice side effect.
– That male nurse just winked at me — my blood pressure needs a second opinion.
– He’s calm, he’s strong, and he knows how to fold a fitted sheet.
– When he walks into the room, even the IV pole behaves.
– His badge says “RN” but we all know it means Real Nice.
– His scrubs are clean, but his jokes are perfectly dirty.
– He doesn’t do small talk — he does diagnostics with a smile.
– That male nurse handled five patients, three call bells, and still managed to reheat his lunch.
– Why do male nurses make great partners? They know where to put the ice pack and when to listen.
– He calls his stethoscope “The Truth Detector.”
– The male nurse asked how I was feeling. I said, “Better since you walked in.”
– He doesn’t just work nights — he owns them.
– That nurse knows more about me than my ex and still talks to me.
– He ran a code, then told a joke — that’s called multitasking with swagger.
– The male nurse said, “Let me know if it hurts,” then smiled like he knew it would.
– What’s stronger than a male nurse’s coffee? His work ethic.
– He gave me a bandage and a wink. Now I’m both healed and flustered.
– That male nurse is proof that scrubs can be both sterile and stunning.
– Male nurse motto: “Lift with your knees, love with your snacks.”
– When I asked if it was going to hurt, he said, “Only your pride.”
– Why did the male nurse get promoted? Because he diagnosed sarcasm and sedated egos.
– His sense of humor is dry — just like the hospital cafeteria chicken.
– That male nurse gets more compliments than the snack cart on Friday.
– He walks into the room like a Code Blue Prince Charming.
– His shift isn’t over until everyone’s stable and smiling.
– The male nurse said, “Time for meds,” but it felt like time for romance.
– He’s got tattoos, scrubs, and flawless charting.
– I asked if he was single. He said, “Only in 30-minute increments.”
– The male nurse said, “I’m just doing my job.” I said, “Doing it very well, sir.”
– He adjusted my IV like it was a fine-tuned guitar.
– That nurse had me laughing during a catheter placement — skill and style.
– His diagnosis? Charming with a side of sarcasm.
– When he rolls his eyes, even the vitals monitor pauses.
– He once caught a falling bedpan with one hand. Hero status unlocked.
– The male nurse smiled and suddenly, the pain scale dropped to zero.
– He doesn’t chase clout — he chases code calls and compassion.
– Male nurse energy: 5% sleep, 95% confidence.
– I tried to flirt. He responded with a shot… of electrolytes.
– He’s not just a nurse. He’s a walking vital sign.
– He said, “You’ll feel a little poke.” I said, “So will you — from Cupid.”
– The only thing sharper than his wit? His IV needle technique.
– That male nurse gave me a lollipop after the shot. Husband material.
Nurse Jokes One-Liners
Short, snappy, and straight to the funny bone, these nurse jokes one-liners are perfect for coffee breaks, clipboards, and captioning your next scrub selfie.
– Nurses: the only people who run toward bodily fluids.
– If you can’t handle sarcasm, you’re not medically cleared for nurses.
– Shift change is just group therapy in scrubs.
– Scrubs: the uniform of tired angels.
– Nurses don’t cry — we sterilize our tears.
– Our love language? Documentation and snacks.
– Nurses: powered by caffeine and passive aggression.
– Chart it, or it didn’t happen — unless it’s gossip.
– My stethoscope hears lies and heartbeats.
– Nurses sleep like their pager isn’t watching.
– If I say “Oops,” it’s already too late.
– Bedside manner: 10/10. Sanity? Pending.
– I didn’t choose the scrub life. The scrub life chose me.
– My brain: 80% protocols, 20% memes.
– Vital signs? More like vital sass.
– Nurses know where it hurts — and we poke it anyway.
– If it’s not charted, it’s none of your business.
– You’re not special. I treat everyone with sarcasm.
– We don’t have days off. We have less chaos days.
– Nurses walk 10,000 steps before breakfast.
– “Do you work here?” No, I just enjoy wiping strangers.
– CPR certified, but still can’t resuscitate my social life.
– It’s not blood — it’s red glitter for nurses.
– Nurses are fluent in eye rolls and vital signs.
– Welcome to nursing: where your patient sleeps and you don’t.
– My favorite patient is the one who doesn’t talk.
– Clean gloves, dirty humor. Classic nurse combo.
– I save lives and occasionally snack mid-code.
– Bandages fix wounds. Nurses fix everything else.
– Hospital air: 80% anxiety, 20% alcohol wipes.
– Nurses don’t panic — we just internally combust.
– Needles: small, sharp, and my specialty.
– Keep calm and let the nurse handle it with caffeine.
– Trust me, I’m a nurse — I’ve seen worse.
– Nurses don’t argue. We document.
– Don’t mess with nurses — we know how to restrain gently.
– My stethoscope doubles as a lie detector.
– Nurses give “tough love” with a thermometer and a smile.
– I don’t do drama. I do discharges.
– When nurses vent, charts get updated.
– “Take a break?” I barely take a deep breath.
– My hobbies? IVs, eye rolls, and extra shifts.
– Nurses don’t brag. We triage and carry on.
– Be nice to nurses. We choose the size of your catheter.
– Coffee first. Patients second. Charting never.
– I’m not bossy. I’m critically directive.
– Smile — it confuses the code blue.
– Nurses make tough days look sanitized.
– My superpower? Making it to the end of the shift.
School Nurse Jokes
Whether it’s a scraped knee or a mysterious “I-can’t-do-math” illness, these school nurse jokes are perfect for giggling through the hall pass line.
– Why did the pencil visit the school nurse? It had a graphite fever.
– School nurses know when it’s real — and when it’s test day drama.
– The student said he felt dizzy. The nurse said, “It’s your homework avoidance acting up.”
– School nurses don’t need magic — they have ice packs and intuition.
– Nurse: “Does it hurt?” Kid: “Only when there’s a quiz.”
– The nurse gave me a Band-Aid for a paper cut — and a hug for my ego.
– Why did the school nurse win Employee of the Month? Because she survived flu season and gossip.
– School nurse starter pack: gloves, thermometer, and endless patience.
– I told the nurse I couldn’t breathe — she opened the window and said, “Try now.”
– School nurses can spot a fake stomachache from three lockers away.
– “Do you feel better now?” “Only if I don’t go back to math.”
– Every kid magically recovers once the test is over.
– That school nurse gives out Band-Aids, advice, and free therapy.
– Why do kids love the nurse’s office? It’s the only room with snacks and sympathy.
– The nurse said I needed rest. I said, “So no algebra?”
– When a kid said he had a fever, she said, “Then stop running around at recess.”
– School nurses don’t just fix boo-boos — they spot drama at 98.6°F.
– “Do you have a fever?” “No.” “Back to gym you go.”
– The student asked for a second opinion. The nurse said, “You’re still going back to class.”
– School nurse motto: “Hydrate first, panic later.”
– That nurse gave me cough drops and a confidence boost.
– She’s not just a nurse — she’s a math test escape artist.
– When in doubt, the school nurse prescribes an ice pack and hope.
– I said I had a rash. She said, “So does the entire fourth grade.”
– Kids be like: “I can’t see the board!” Nurse: “That’s a pencil in your eye.”
– If the nurse’s cot could talk, it’d say, “Another math test, huh?”
– School nurses know how to heal a bruise and spot a drama queen.
– She handed me a Band-Aid and said, “You’re not missing recess for this.”
– School nurse translation guide: “Tummy ache” = didn’t study for spelling.
– Nurse: “When did it start hurting?” Kid: “Right before spelling class.”
– That nurse deserves a medal — or at least a week without lice checks.
– I said I had chest pain. She said, “From heartbreak or math stress?”
– No one respects immunity like a school nurse during flu season.
– I went in with a fake cough and left with guilt and cough drops.
– School nurse dress code: scrubs, sneakers, and invisible lie detector.
– If school nurses had a sitcom, it’d be called “Lice, Lies & Ice Packs.”
– Student: “I can’t walk.” Nurse: “You sprinted here. Nice try.”
– She doesn’t just check temps — she checks excuse quality.
– That nurse once removed a splinter and the will to skip class.
– Nurse’s favorite phrase: “You’re fine. Back to class.”
– She gave me a tissue and said, “Blow out the drama too.”
– School nurse = mom, therapist, doctor, and substitute detective.
– I said I was dizzy. She said, “Drink water and avoid TikTok spins.”
– The nurse smiled and said, “You’re stronger than a spelling bee.”
– When I said I might throw up, she said, “Do it in math class.”
– The nurse’s clipboard is scarier than the principal’s office.
– School nurse = the final boss of fake sick days.
– “Take this ice pack and your pride — and go back to class.”
– The nurse gave me an ice pack and told me, “Use this on your face… for the lie.”
Short Halloween Nurse Jokes
These short Halloween nurse jokes are all treats, no tricks — just the right mix of spooky and silly to tickle your funny bone.
– What’s a nurse’s favorite Halloween candy? Cough-ee Crisp.
– Why don’t skeletons scare nurses? They’ve seen worse X-rays.
– The vampire nurse always takes blood… before introductions.
– My nurse dressed as a zombie — no one noticed.
– Why did the ghost visit the nurse? He had a case of the “boo-hoos.”
– Nurses don’t need costumes — sleep-deprivation does the trick.
– That nurse gave flu shots in a witch hat. Spellbinding service!
– What did the nurse say to the mummy? “Wrap it up — it’s shift change.”
– School nurses love Halloween. It’s just coughs with costumes.
– That nurse gave me a lollipop and said, “No tricks, just treats.”
– Why did Frankenstein visit the nurse? His heart skipped a bolt.
– Don’t prank a nurse — they carry needles and receipts.
– My nurse wore vampire fangs and still charted like a boss.
– Why did the nurse faint? She saw a full chart and no candy.
– What do nurses and werewolves have in common? Both thrive on full moons.
– The skeleton asked the nurse for help. She said, “You’ve got no guts.”
– That zombie nurse just clocked in — and still looks better than night shift me.
– The nurse said, “You look pale.” I said, “It’s the costume. I swear.”
– What do you call a ghost nurse? A care spirit.
– Haunted hospital joke: The nurse still shows up for charting — even in the afterlife.
– Why do witches make bad nurses? They always stir the pot.
– I asked for candy. The nurse gave me Tylenol and side-eye.
– That nurse carved a pumpkin in 5 minutes flat — charting speed unlocked.
– What did the nurse say to the bat? “You’re hanging around too long.”
– Nurse: “I don’t do costumes — I do containment.”
– Frankenstein got a flu shot and said, “I feel shocking.”
– I told the nurse I saw a ghost. She said, “Join the on-call team. We’re all dead inside.”
– Why was the nurse covered in glitter? She tried to vaccinate a fairy.
– Halloween nurse motto: “Keep calm and hex on.”
– The only thing scarier than Halloween? A full waiting room.
– What’s a nurse’s Halloween accessory? Glow-in-the-dark gloves.
– The nurse said my cough sounded spooky. I said, “Seasonal effect.”
– When the doctor wore a cape, the nurse said, “Great. Now I have to be Batman.”
– Best costume award? The nurse dressed as her paycheck — completely invisible.
– You know it’s Halloween when even the thermometer is haunted.
– I wore scrubs to the party. Nurse said, “That’s not a costume. That’s trauma gear.”
– That nurse handed out flu shots like candy corn — painful but effective.
– What do you call a nurse with pumpkin spice lotion? A basic care provider.
– My heart skipped a beat. The nurse said, “Too much Halloween candy. Or me.”
– What’s a nurse’s least favorite Halloween joke? “You look tired.”
– The nurse gave me two shots and said, “Double, double, toil and trouble.”
– What did the nurse say to the haunted IV pole? “You’re giving off ghostly drips.”
– That vampire nurse is amazing — she finds veins without a light.
– Nurse joke: Halloween night shift? Scary stories and snack breaks.
– I asked the nurse if she was dressing up. She said, “I already look dead.”
– That nurse wore skeleton scrubs and said, “Let’s bone up on vitals.”
– Even the call bell was spooky. The nurse said, “It’s possessed. Or just needy.”
– Nurse Halloween logic: If it’s not bleeding or breathing weird, give it candy.
Short Nurse Jokes
Short, sweet, and seriously funny — these nurse jokes are fast enough to squeeze in between call lights and caffeine sips.
– Nurses: Because superheroes don’t wear capes — they wear gloves.
– I told the nurse my head hurt — she said, “Probably from overthinking.”
– Why did the nurse bring a pencil? To draw blood.
– That nurse is a pro — she gave a shot without me even blinking.
– I sneezed. The nurse handed me a tissue and said, “That’ll be $800.”
– Nurses love deep conversations — about bowel movements.
– I asked for something for pain. She handed me the patient schedule.
– “Don’t worry, I’ve done this before.” – Every confident nurse.
– Why do nurses make great DJs? They know how to drop the beat.
– The nurse checked my pulse… then checked my attitude.
– I said I was dizzy. She said, “You should see my shift schedule.”
– My nurse walks faster than my thoughts.
– Nurses never say no — they say, “I’ll try my best… eventually.”
– I asked for ice. She gave me a look colder than the freezer.
– Why don’t nurses tell secrets? Because walls have stethoscopes.
– That nurse fixed my IV and my outlook on life.
– Nurses don’t do drama — they document it.
– When nurses say, “Just relax,” brace yourself.
– My nurse said I needed fluids. I said, “How about a milkshake?”
– I said I had palpitations. She said, “Me too, after 12 hours.”
– That nurse didn’t blink during chaos. Legend.
– I asked for help. The nurse said, “Help yourself — I’m charting.”
– Nurses know where it hurts — and how to make you laugh about it.
– Why did the nurse take a nap? She didn’t — nurses don’t sleep.
– That nurse said I looked pale. I said, “You should see my wallet.”
– What do nurses and comedians have in common? Timing.
– My nurse smiled while giving me a shot — terrifying.
– I told her she was amazing. She said, “I know.”
– Nurses can juggle meds, vitals, and sarcasm.
– “You’ll feel a little pinch” = Lies nurses tell.
– That nurse just gave me a Band-Aid and a new outlook.
– I said I might faint. The nurse said, “Make it dramatic, please.”
– What’s a nurse’s favorite type of music? Heartbeats.
– I said I was nervous. The nurse said, “So is your blood pressure.”
– Nurses can hear lies through gloves and walls.
– She didn’t need caffeine — she is caffeine.
– I asked if she had magic. She pulled out a lollipop and a diagnosis.
– That nurse fixed my wound and my mood.
– Nurses speak fluent sarcasm and empathy.
– I said, “Thanks.” She said, “Don’t thank me until it’s over.”
– Her stethoscope was cold, but her smile was warming.
– That nurse gave me instructions and a reality check.
– I said I couldn’t walk. She handed me a clipboard.
– When nurses laugh, patients worry — rightfully.
– I asked if this would hurt. She said, “Not me.”
– My nurse walks like she’s dodging call bells.
– Nurses can find a vein in the dark — with one eye closed.
– I asked for a diagnosis. She gave me a coffee and a shrug.
– Nurse logic: If you’re talking, you’re breathing.
Thanksgiving Nurse Jokes
These Thanksgiving nurse jokes are stuffed with humor, seasoned with sarcasm, and perfect for post-turkey giggles on the hospital floor.
– What’s a nurse’s favorite Thanksgiving side? Vitals with gravy.
– I asked the nurse for cranberry juice — she handed me a saline flush.
– Why did the turkey avoid the hospital? It heard about the cold stethoscopes.
– Thanksgiving for nurses: 12-hour shift with a side of lukewarm stuffing.
– Nurse: “This holiday, I’m thankful for caffeine and working call-light reflexes.”
– I asked what was on the menu. The nurse said, “Stress and sarcasm — help yourself.”
– Why was the nurse extra perky on Thanksgiving? She got to chart while eating pie.
– The hospital served turkey. The nurse served a reality check.
– What did the nurse say after the third code? “I’m thankful for my coping mechanisms.”
– I asked for seconds. The nurse gave me another patient instead.
– That nurse carved a turkey in less time than it took me to swallow my pride.
– My blood pressure was up. The nurse blamed the mashed potatoes.
– What’s a nurse’s Thanksgiving miracle? A shift with no drama and full trays.
– That nurse made pumpkin pie… out of patience and pure willpower.
– Turkey trot? More like nurse sprint to the breakroom.
– What did the nurse bring to Friendsgiving? Sterile utensils and sass.
– The patient said, “I’m stuffed!” The nurse said, “Same. From emotions.”
– “Be grateful,” said the nurse — then handed me a bedpan.
– Why did the nurse skip dessert? Because charting is sweet enough.
– That nurse’s favorite Thanksgiving activity? Discharging patients before pie.
– She seasoned the turkey with thyme and thinly veiled sarcasm.
– I said grace. The nurse said, “Save some for the night shift.”
– Nurses don’t get days off — they get leftover shifts.
– The nurse said she’s thankful for one thing: no chart audits.
– Why did the nurse smile? Someone brought real cranberry sauce.
– Thanksgiving nurse motto: “Feast fast, chart faster.”
– When the IV beeped during dinner, she said, “Not today, Satan.”
– That nurse had turkey in one hand and a code pager in the other.
– Nurse’s Thanksgiving prayer: “May this call bell remain silent.”
– I asked what she was thankful for. She said, “A day without patient poetry.”
– Why did the nurse get promoted on Thanksgiving? She carved the schedule.
– The only thing more overcooked than the turkey? Her patience.
– Nurses don’t stuff turkeys — they stuff charts with disclaimers.
– What’s the best dessert for nurses? Pumpkin pie and peace & quiet.
– I brought gravy. The nurse brought emotional support.
– What did the nurse give instead of pumpkin spice? A flu shot.
– That nurse skipped the feast. She said she’s full of bitterness and bloat.
– I asked if she wanted pie. She said, “Only if I can chart it.”
– Why are nurses essential on Thanksgiving? Because someone has to handle the leftovers.
– She served kindness, comfort, and cranberry sarcasm.
– That nurse’s apron said “Feast Mode,” but her face said “Don’t test me.”
– Favorite Thanksgiving tradition? Triage and tryptophan.
– I asked the nurse if she wanted seconds. She said, “Only of silence.”
– Thankful nurses know the real MVP is the one who brings coffee.
– I complimented her stuffing. She said, “It’s just like my emotional coping. Overfilled.”
– Turkey? Great. But that nurse is serving energy and efficiency.
Read: Music Jokes
Read: Spring Jokes
Read: Lawyer Jokes
From silly to smart and everything in between, these nurse jokes prove that humor is a vital sign too. Whether you’re healing patients or hiding in the supply closet, we hope these puns brought a smile to your face.
After all, nursing isn’t easy — but laughing through it makes all the difference.
Got a favorite nurse joke? Share it in the comments and pass the laughs on to your fellow nurses!
Zack Hart
Hey there! I’m Zack Hart, the pun-dedicated brain behind PunParade.
Based in Alaska, I built this site for everyone who believes a well-placed pun can brighten a dull day.
Whether you’re into clever wordplay or cringe-worthy dad jokes, you’ll find your fix here. We’re all about bringing the world closer — one pun at a time.